Ye Olde Towne Pub

For those of you (and I would imagine that, given the PG-13 rating, there may be many between the ages of 10-15) thinking of going to see Beowulf so you can get a glimpse of the much rumored nude Angelina Jolie, don’t bother.

For one thing, her “nude” scene is about as detailed as a Barbie doll. It’s not what you’d call anatomically correct, and her animated counterpart lacks any kind of detail beyond a smooth, metallic body. A doll dipped in bronze, you might say.

What you will find, however, is lots of naked man ass. Lots of it. And judging by the number of groans and shouts of “Oh, man!” or “Come on!” there were many disappointed 13-year olds in the theater Saturday night. You get naked fat Anthony Hopkins man ass. You also get lots of naked Beowulf man ass. Lots of it. If you’re into naked man ass, this is about as good as your going to get this side of the assless chaps convention or a Pride Parade. Hell, one sequence is 10 minutes of naked Beowulf jumping and swinging around on chandeliers, his naked man ass in full glory for all to see.

That being said, I’m still shocked that Beowulf got a PG-13 rating. I don’t want to spoil anything, but we’re talking blood, gore, people torn limb from limb, splattered blood, monsters stabbed directly in the eye with daggers and spurting blood for all to see, impaling, blunt force trauma, and, basically, just a whole hell of a lot of violence. Lots. And. Lots.

Which brings us back to the absurdity of American culture. The nudity in this film is, as I said, about the same level of erotica as a naked Barbie doll (man ass not withstanding). There is some on screen flirting, and some innuendo, but all of the sex takes place well off screen. What is on display is the bloody hacking, and punching, and head biting violent, horrible, bone crunching death. And lots of it. And that gets a PG-13.

If Bruce Willis had said “Yippee-kayay, motherfucker.” in the most recent Die Hard flick, it would have likely been rated R. Because he said a bad word. But he can shoot people, blow shit up, throw the bad guys into industrial fans, etc. And Grendel can rip a man in two, then snack on the pieces while Beowulf literally tears him limb from limb (if you think that’s a spoiler, you need to read more) and that’s still firmly in PG-13 territory.

Absurd. We breed our children to find sex to be taboo (I am aware of the irony in that sentence). We won’t talk about it, won’t show it on TV, and decry things like a half-second nip slip on nationwide TV. But at the same time, we teach them that violence is perfectly acceptable. And we wonder why so many Americans froth at the mouth and declare that we should “kill them all” every time someone whips up a war frenzy. Even with the failure of Iraq still exploding all around us on a daily basis we hear people beginning to beat the drums of war for Iran.

But I digress. I’ve mentioned the “sex” (really it’s some slight nudity, and some off-screen intercourse) and the violence of Beowulf, but is it any good?

Yes. It’s a pretty decent film. The digitally animated characters fall firmly into the category of the “uncanny valley,” which is the phenomenon that results when you make something too close to human, but it obviously is not. The result is a creepy, unnerving thing. People find robots like C3P0 and R2D2 to be cute and endearing precisely because they do not too closely resemble humans. But the digitally rendered characters in The Polar Express and Beowulf are very close to human, almost looking photo realistic at points, but they are not quite perfect. There is something about them that smacks of mannequins being brought to life.

Still, the animation is pretty good, and the set pieces are spectacular. And depending on how familiar you are with Beowulf you may or may not find some of the places where the story takes liberties to be disturbing. In the original epic, Beowulf slays 3 great monsters, and dies from the injuries that he suffers while fighting the third. In the movie, well, let’s just say that the number of monsters slain is fewer than 3. And the attempt to ground one of those monsters (specifically the Grendel) in reality makes the fight much less spectacular. When you look back at the end of the movie, you think that Beowulf is boastful, and takes credit for things that he did not do, even when there were witnesses. And he takes credit for slaying monsters that he did not slay. It’s disappointing. I can understand the appeal of trying to put a human face on an epic hero (Michael Crichton tried to do the same thing in his book, Eaters of the Dead). Still, why make a movie about an epic only to endeavor to make it less epic?

That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy it. I did. It was violent, to the point of turning my stomach at times. As I told my wife, I’ve seen horror movies far less violent than Beowulf (most of which were rated R). But, it was still well made, well animated, and well acted. I enjoyed myself. I’d watch it again. I suppose that’s the best thing I can say about any movie.

Still, if you’re looking for an epic battle showing epic heroes (with lots of naked man ass), 300 is better